it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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