So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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