Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
