this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
