I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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