Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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