I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
