Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
