meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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