It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
