she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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