she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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