Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
