I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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