Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
