Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
