We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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