Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I looked at my own cervix.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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