i love accidental penises.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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