So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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