Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
