im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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