Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
