He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
