i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
