i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
