You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
