She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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