On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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