I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
