There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
