Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
