i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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