The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize