Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
kristin has been a bad kristin
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
