I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
