You're earring is so big in my mouth
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need to calm my uterus...
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