I think my fart just growled at me.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Randomize
