doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
