you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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