apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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