I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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