I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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