Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Actions speak louder than pants.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
