Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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