Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
