Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
