my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
