morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
