New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
