the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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