I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
