Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
