wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Randomize
