How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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