He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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